Toasty's Tips and Tidbits

Tip # 1: Bow to the inevitable

You will have to go to Wal-Mart. Know this. Own it, as soon as possible. You will have to go, and the longer you wait, the more painful your trip will be. You do not--and this is very important--you DO NOT want to go to Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve. So accept your fate and go as soon as possible.

Tip #2: Stay focused!

Keep a list of products in the front of your mind at all times. You may want to take a written list, too, but do not stop to look at it. It is imperative that you keep moving.

There are several obstacles you must be aware of. The first, of course, is the greeter, a seemingly benevolent elderly person who is in fact an unwitting pawn of the oppressor. The greeter is there to distract you with idle chatter about the weather and vague attempts to foist happy-face stickers on you.

Avoid this person.

When you enter the Wal-Mart, hold both hands, flat palm out, on either side of you at shoulder level. Extend your arms, slightly, so that your elbows form a 30-45 degree angle. In this way you will create a perimeter around yourself. If any person attempts to penetrate this circle of personal space, shove that person away from you. Firmly. You should deal similarly with people offering credit cards, samples of barbecue sauce, or "help finding something." These people are not your friends.

Tip #3: Follow your instincts.

Other obstacles that will stand in your way are end-caps featuring pretty, odd, or seemingly clever gadgets at unbelievably low prices. Most of these products are stupid and useless, but the enemy has learned to arrange them in such away that they may easily distract the undisciplined shopper. One key to dealing with this attempt to draw you away from your primary objectives is to know your weaknesses. Is it color that attracts your attention? Are you susceptible to the lure of technological hoodads? Do you like boxes or lava lamps? Understand what items will have the strongest pull on you, and when you pass those items, merely reach out with one hand and scoop one of them into your shopping cart. Do this without stopping. Remember, you MUST KEEP MOVING. Do not stop to pick out a particular color or to double check the price. You will probably end up buying the damned thing anyway, and you will most likely be disappointed with your purchase once you get it home. (See Tip #1.)

Tip #4: Be ruthless.

Fellow shoppers are your enemy. Do not trust them. Do not wait for them to come out of an aisle that you are intent on crossing. Do not stop to chat, smile, or politely excuse your intrusions on their space. Do not be afraid to nudge or even shove fellow shoppers and/or their shopping carts out of your way. Remember: You have a mission. Maintain the perimeter you created upon entering the store by alternating hands--one hand on the cart, one hand held, palm out, at shoulder level to ward off any dubious characters.

Tip #5: Be vigilant!

Keep your eye on the contents of your cart, as some of your fellow shoppers will remove the items you have chosen and place them in their own baskets. If anyone attempts to do this to you, kill him or her with your credit or debit card. Be swift and certain. Do not hesitate. Shwippow! Dead. And keep moving. Killing someone early, particularly if that person is either very young or very old, will go far toward ensuring that the remaining shoppers will keep their distance for the rest of your stay.

Tip #6: Bring reinforcements.

It is best to bring only one co-operative, but if they are used appropriately, two subordinate shoppers can also make your mission go more smoothly. Deploy your troops to retrieve only one item at a time, as their chances of being distracted increase with each aisle they must negotiate. Carefully discuss and plot out the courses your subordinates will take to reach their objectives and decide on a specific rendesvous point and time. Make sure your troops are aware of the importance of time during this operation. The punishment for tardiness must be severe. The removal of a toe or some other non-essential body part would be a suitable retribution.

As you begin your product laden journey back toward the check-out stands and the exit, send your troops ahead to scout out the lines and secure your position in one that is the shortest and fastest moving. Once you reach your final objective, use your subordinates as human shields to absorb the pull of any impulse-shopping items and to return the glares of the envious shoppers behind you.

Tip #7: Maintain an emotional distance.

Have compassion for POW's (Prisoners of Wal-Mart) but be realistic. You cannot help them. Do not make eye-contact with the checker. Merely nod in the direction of the floor when he or she asks you how your holiday is going and what the weather is like outside (he or she has not seen the actual sky in weeks). What you will find in the eyes of a Wal-Mart check-out person around Christmas time is a sorrow and hopelessness so profound that it will make you want to sit down and weep. You will want to help him or her, but you can't. Looking into the checker's eye will only give him or her false hope. Don't do it. The longer you remain inside the Wal-Mart, the greater the chance that you too will be sucked into the giant vortex of despair. Save yourself.

Do not acknowledge any whispered pleas to send word to family members, to bring in a flower or a bit of grass--even dead grass--or to alert the press. Again, you cannot help them. It is too late. Pay for your goods and exit quickly.

NOTE: Sometimes the robot security system at the door will order you to stop. He will suggest that you have commited a crime for which you may be punished if you do not allow the seemingly benevolent elderly person to search your bags for stolen merchandise. This is yet another ploy--the worst of them. Ignore this soulless voice from the abyss. Continue walking as if nothing is happening. Let the greeter search the guilty looking lady or gentleman behind you.

Tip #8: There is no tip #8

The next objective is to find your car and exit the Wal-Mart parking lot. Absolutely nothing can prepare you for this.

Stay strong, and God be with you. Merry X-Mas Everyone!

I have been noticing lately that the number of assholes I encounter on a daily basis has reached a record high. In fact, it seems that I can hardly make it through my day without coming into contact with a person who is rude and/or just off the charts stupid. They're at work. They're on the roads. They're all over the roads--literally sometimes. I swear I've flipped off so many idiot drivers for cutting me off or slowing me down or leaving their turn signals on for eighteen blocks that I can't even bend my middle finger any more. Assholes! They're on message boards, bickering about nomenclature and vying for the title of Most Righteously Indignant. They are at the grocery store, clogging up the aisles, stopping shopping cart traffic to slap their bratty kids around. They're even at the check-out stand, smacking their gum tartly and barking out surly instructions for using the credit card scanner.

In fact, the other day as I waited in line and watched the young clerk rolling her heavily mascara'ed eyes at the elderly man she was checking out in front of me, I became so angry that I almost yelled at her. "Listen, young lady!" I almost said, "Obviously, your company is not very concerned with customer satisfaction, but where I'm from we have a little thing called 'respect for your elders!'"

But I kept my cool and settled for answering her insipid questions in clipped and haughty tones: "Yes. I would Like Paper. . . . . . Please." And when the little trollop asked if I had a Country Mar card, I didn't even answer her. I just handed her my card and pretended to look out the window.

Disrespectful whelp.

Sadly, this young brat's bad temper and overall ugliness was really only very mild in comparison to the hundreds of absolute jerks I am plagued with on a daily basis. I found her assholery most disturbing, though, because it showed how widespread the problem is--how far it has already gone. Even the check-out ladies are jerks now.

Where does all this anger and hatefulness come from? Why are people mean? What can I do to stop it?

According to Janis Hophenfelder PhD. an anger management therapist in Dallas, Texas and the country's leading expert in the field of Shmuckology, there is nothing I can do about the way other people behave: "The best thing you can do," she says, "is make sure that you are not the one who is being an asshole."

"Me?" I asked. "What, are you friggin' crazy?"

"Perhaps. Tell me about the last time you were mistreated by a stranger."

I didn't have to think about that one for long. Just on the way to her office (which, I may have mentioned, is in Dallas, where the sane, rational driver to complete lunatic ratio is one to every other idiot on the road) I got stuck pulling into a parking deck for nearly 20 minutes during which time I was honked and cursed at, and one man nearly rammed my car pulling out of a parking space. Everyone was going the wrong way down a one way drive. Honestly, it was like the whole world had gone crazy. And they were calling me stupid!

"I'm a little hoarse from shouting back at them," I finished.

"I see," said 'Dr.' Hophenhelder. "I wonder, did you notice any signs? Any arrows painted on the walls or the concrete?"

"No, I didn't notice any signs! I was too busy trying to keep from getting crashed into by all the morons who . . . look, if you're not going to answer my questions . . .I don't have time for this! This interview is OVER!"

Stupid shrinks.

Anyway, because psychiatrists are obviously too wrapped up in "theories" and what they call "science" to understand how actual people function in the actual world, I decided to do some investigating on my own. I spoke several real experts on the subject of assholery and can now provide my readers with some practical tips for dealing with jerks.

Tip #1: Make eye contact

People are busy. They have someone on the cell phone; they have somewhere to go and aquaintances and co-workers to see. Sometimes it's easy for the selfish twits to see other people as nothing more than obstacles which they must overcome in order to get to their next ultimately meaningless destination. "Sometimes I can tell that a person I am dealing with has not fully made the connection between my physical presense and voice and my actual humanity," says Michael Peterson, a cashier and sandwhich artist at a Las Vegas Subway. "They will speak to me as if I am one of those robot telephone operators or a speaking ATM machine. Usually, though, I find that if I have a chance to look them directly in the eyes, it sort of snaps them out of it. Sometimes they even smile, and at these times, I often smile in return, just to make them feel as if I am acknowledging their humanity as well."

Tip #2 Smile

No, we don't mean you should walk around grinning like a lunatic all day (although this will keep the assholes [and everyone else] at bay) but smile at people. Let them think that you don't hate them. "If the person does not smile back," says Rhonda Shelby, a receptionist at the Sunshine Dental Clinic in Springdale, Arkansas, "it may just mean that he is an inconsiderate boob, and you can, therefore, enjoy feeling superior to him and smile all the more brightly at the next potential creep you encounter. It's more likely, though, that his failure to return your smile means he bears ill will toward you, in which case you should be prepared to pepper spray him should he take one step closer. Or he might just be insecure about his teeth--sometimes I wish people were more insecure about their teeth..."

Tip #3 Behave as if you expect the best from people

We know you've been hurt. We know that you've been mistreated, and that the pain can sometimes build up around you until it hardens into a thick impenetrable shell--a cloudy lense through which you view every stranger you encounter as a potential enemy. This is a perfectly reasonable way of looking at the world, and the safest, but it is equally important that you do not treat your potential enemies as such. Charles "Curly" Jackson, president of the Fredrickson, Oklahoma Chapter of Friends of the NRA gives this advice: "Do not assume that the family of low lifes who moved in down the street are going break into your home and try to take your T.V. or touch your wife in an inappropriate manner. Instead, go over and talk with them, or invite them over to your house for barbecue, and to show them your gun collection. Actually get to know them, instead of jumping to conclusions about them. That way you'll know exactly what kind of assholes you are dealing with. And so will they."

Tip #4 Ask questions instead of making accusations

Simply telling someone that he or she is a complete knee-biter rarely accomplishes anything other than to broaden the offending persons lexicon of derogatory labels to apply to the next person who pisses them off. We are often unsatisfied by the responses we get to even our most carefully crafted and brilliantly offensive epithets, and this is because we know that the target of our rage will suffer no lasting wounds. What we want is to "put the offending person in his or her place," but we cannot accomplish this by shouting dirty words at them. Hairdresser and nail technition Glenda Swan suggests that asking questions about the person's behavior and motivations may lead the person to a new awareness about his or her less attractive qualities. "Ask them," she says, "What have I done to offend you? Have I in some way inadvertently deserved your cruelty? Do you feel that you are superior to me? Do you feel that you are entitled to some kind of special treatment because you are very rich or pretty or because you drive a fancy car and have some degree from some fancy university somewhere? Do you think you are better than everyone?" Usually the person will answer "No" to these questions, and sometimes they will even apologize. "Especially," Glenda notes, "if you are holding them by the hair." If they do not, they are admitting that they are snooty pricks, and therefore you are saved the trouble of insulting them yourself. Either way it is likely that they have learned a valuable lesson from the exchange, and it is reasonable to hope that they will benefit from it.

It is impossible to deny the proliferation of assholery, and it is unlikely that we will ever find a cure. But if you arm yourself with your new awareness of the problem and put these strategies to work in your daily interactions with people, you may, at least, enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you are not as much of a jerk as most of the people in the world.

I mean, look at that guy. What a dolt!

(Note: I must give my special thanks to yggdrasil , the sexiest, sweetest thesaurus in the WORLD!)

Well boys you better put down those Slim Fast Shakes, get off the Bowflex, and powerwalk to the nearest Barnes & Noble to pick up the Complete Works of William Shakespeare because a recent poll of young women, conducted by BuyMore Magazine, suggests that "smart is sexy."

When asked with whom they would most like to have a romantic evening of dinner, candelight and a little dancing on the beach, most of the three women polled said that they would choose long dead celeb William Shakespeare (Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Shakespeare in Love) over Brad Pitt, Donald Trump and even Jake Gyllenhaal, who at least looks sensitive.

The charming Tom Hanks (The DaVinci Code, Bosom Buddies) came in fifth on the list of six men, and Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons brought up the rear, with only 13 percent of women saying they would trip the light fantastic with the rich CEO of Spacely's Sprockets.

Donald Trump's heartbreaking number three ranking and sexy Brad Pitt's number two suggest not only that "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind," but that even money cannot compete with "words, words, words."

#1 Poem in America

We all want to be loved by our students. We want them to come to class eager to collect the bounty of wisdom that falls from our lips. We want them to compete with one another for our attention and affection--to live for our praise or even the slightest, plain-faced nod in acknowledgement that they have spoken. We want them to begin dressing like we dress and adopting our charming mannerisms and gestures. Of course we want this, and, undoubtedly the world would be a better place if it were filled with young people who behaved as we do. At the very least, it would be a more stylish place.

The hard truth that we are all forced to contend with eventually, though, is that not all of our students will love us. In fact, some of our students will not even like us. It is even possible that some of our students will hate us and our favorite Strong Bad T-shirt. Our natural impulse when confronted with these tasteless and unpleasant people is to dismiss them, to send them fleeing from the classroom with an onslaught of wholly offensive yet grammatically correct epithets and accusations.

This is perfectly acceptable.

For the rest, we should ask ourselves--as a famous Italian author of self-help manuals for hypersensitive monarchs once asked--whether it is better to be loved than feared or feared than loved. The answer, of course, is that if we cannot have both, it is better to be feared than loved. Why? Because if your students dislike but fear you, they will at least keep their fool mouths shut and do what they are told, whereas even the most puppy-eyed acolyte, yammering on and on about how great you are and what a cool paisley tie you've chosen to wear with your checkered coat, can annoy the crap out of you at times.

In order to help you create a classroom environment whose atmosphere of humiliation and terror commands absolute, unquestioning obedience to your every awful whim, we have assembled a panel of experts to offer some helpful tips and tidbits for generating and maximizing an aura of evil.

Here is what they have to say:

"Tell them that if they do not listen attentively and write their papers in a manner that is acceptable in civilized society, you may have to inform their mothers, who are your friends, of their misconduct. You hate to think how disappointed their mothers will be."
-Nurse Ratchett

"If a student raises her hand, ignore her for several minutes while you flex your massive biceps or crush chalk into dust and blow it in the faces of the puny mortals infesting the front row of desks. Then, acknowledge her impertinence in this way: 'I beg your miniscule pardon?' When she begins to ask her question, bellow 'SIIIIILENCE!'"
-Thor

"Wear black. All black, all the time. Do not underestimate the power of a dark wardrobe. Also, if one of your students argues with you or speaks when you have not given him permission to speak, use the force to strangle that student to death. Then, just for fun, call on another student and ask what she thinks."
-Darth Vader

"You gotta tell them. You gotta look 'em in the eye and say 'Listen you f**ks, you screwheads. Here is a teacher who won't take it anymore. Here is a prof who'll stand up against the scum, the c**ts, the filth, the s**t! Here is a teacher who stood up!' and you wave a gun around in their stupid f**kin' faces. That's what you do."
-Travis Bickle

"Resistance is fruity...no...foot ... Resistance is fooze ball?...no...useless! Resistance is useless! Don't even try it!"
-George (the "W" stands for We are the Borg) Bush

One: Plan ahead.

Give yourself at least three days to really work out the logistics of your move. Will you need a truck? How big a one? Will the truck cost money, or can you impose upon a Friend? If it does cost money, can you impose upon a friend for that? Will you be keeping much of your furniture? If not, do you think the new residents will want any of it? What about the gerbils?

Moving is a difficult time, but you can minimize the stress by taking time out to think about and plan your move carefully. You may even want to write some of your ideas down.

Two: Order pizza and buy beer.

It is a well known fact that all strapping young bucks are motivated primarily by the promise of food and/or beer. Sex, too, but you're moving and you don't have time for that. Plus, you're old. Better stick with beer and pizza.

NOTE: It is important to withold the beer and pizza until all heavy and delicate items have been safely relocated.

Three: BOXES (or big green trash bags)

It is difficult to overstate the importance of aquiring receptacles for your various and sundry non-furniture items. It's true that you can leave your clean clothes in the dresser and tape the drawers shut, and you can leave your dirty clothes in the laundry bag, but what about those clothes that are in between? You'll need some sort of box or bag for them. And what about your cds, your movies and your book? You can't just throw those willy nilly into some young buck's truck and hit the road. You'll need a box, man. And don't think it will be easy to get one either. You have to be at the liquor store very early in the morning. You have to catch the manager at Denny's at just the right time in the afternoon, and then you have to carefully inspect the boxes and make sure they don't smell like corned beef hash or anything gross like that, because who wants a collection of beanie babies that smell like corned beef hash?

You may also want to get some newspaper to wrap your breakables in. You can find a lot of these just lying around the neighborhood if you leave early enough in the morning. And you'll have to, if you want to get to the liquor store on time.

Four: Lift with your back, not with your knees.

Do this early on, like when you're lifting one of your bags full of not-too-dirty clothes. With any luck, you'll throw out your back and be forced to lie down on the couch while your troop of food-and-beer powered young men take care of the heavy stuff.

Five: Know where you are going.

Once you've got all of your CRAP loaded into some poor dupes truck, it will be very helpful to have the following information:

Where are you moving to?

Are you welcome there? Is your crap welcome there?

How do you get there?

Do you have a key to the residence?

Once you can satisfactorily answer these questions, it is time to begin your odyssey. Good luck, and happy moving!

Greatest Living American
Giant Brass Balls