Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Are You the One Who is Being an Asshole? Our Experts Say, "Yes, You Probably Are."
I have been noticing lately that the number of assholes I encounter on a daily basis has reached a record high. In fact, it seems that I can hardly make it through my day without coming into contact with a person who is rude and/or just off the charts stupid. They're at work. They're on the roads. They're all over the roads--literally sometimes. I swear I've flipped off so many idiot drivers for cutting me off or slowing me down or leaving their turn signals on for eighteen blocks that I can't even bend my middle finger any more. Assholes! They're on message boards, bickering about nomenclature and vying for the title of Most Righteously Indignant. They are at the grocery store, clogging up the aisles, stopping shopping cart traffic to slap their bratty kids around. They're even at the check-out stand, smacking their gum tartly and barking out surly instructions for using the credit card scanner.
In fact, the other day as I waited in line and watched the young clerk rolling her heavily mascara'ed eyes at the elderly man she was checking out in front of me, I became so angry that I almost yelled at her. "Listen, young lady!" I almost said, "Obviously, your company is not very concerned with customer satisfaction, but where I'm from we have a little thing called 'respect for your elders!'"
But I kept my cool and settled for answering her insipid questions in clipped and haughty tones: "Yes. I would Like Paper. . . . . . Please." And when the little trollop asked if I had a Country Mar card, I didn't even answer her. I just handed her my card and pretended to look out the window.
Disrespectful whelp.
Sadly, this young brat's bad temper and overall ugliness was really only very mild in comparison to the hundreds of absolute jerks I am plagued with on a daily basis. I found her assholery most disturbing, though, because it showed how widespread the problem is--how far it has already gone. Even the check-out ladies are jerks now.
Where does all this anger and hatefulness come from? Why are people mean? What can I do to stop it?
According to Janis Hophenfelder PhD. an anger management therapist in Dallas, Texas and the country's leading expert in the field of Shmuckology, there is nothing I can do about the way other people behave: "The best thing you can do," she says, "is make sure that you are not the one who is being an asshole."
"Me?" I asked. "What, are you friggin' crazy?"
"Perhaps. Tell me about the last time you were mistreated by a stranger."
I didn't have to think about that one for long. Just on the way to her office (which, I may have mentioned, is in Dallas, where the sane, rational driver to complete lunatic ratio is one to every other idiot on the road) I got stuck pulling into a parking deck for nearly 20 minutes during which time I was honked and cursed at, and one man nearly rammed my car pulling out of a parking space. Everyone was going the wrong way down a one way drive. Honestly, it was like the whole world had gone crazy. And they were calling me stupid!
"I'm a little hoarse from shouting back at them," I finished.
"I see," said 'Dr.' Hophenhelder. "I wonder, did you notice any signs? Any arrows painted on the walls or the concrete?"
"No, I didn't notice any signs! I was too busy trying to keep from getting crashed into by all the morons who . . . look, if you're not going to answer my questions . . .I don't have time for this! This interview is OVER!"
Stupid shrinks.
Anyway, because psychiatrists are obviously too wrapped up in "theories" and what they call "science" to understand how actual people function in the actual world, I decided to do some investigating on my own. I spoke several real experts on the subject of assholery and can now provide my readers with some practical tips for dealing with jerks.
Tip #1: Make eye contact
People are busy. They have someone on the cell phone; they have somewhere to go and aquaintances and co-workers to see. Sometimes it's easy for the selfish twits to see other people as nothing more than obstacles which they must overcome in order to get to their next ultimately meaningless destination. "Sometimes I can tell that a person I am dealing with has not fully made the connection between my physical presense and voice and my actual humanity," says Michael Peterson, a cashier and sandwhich artist at a Las Vegas Subway. "They will speak to me as if I am one of those robot telephone operators or a speaking ATM machine. Usually, though, I find that if I have a chance to look them directly in the eyes, it sort of snaps them out of it. Sometimes they even smile, and at these times, I often smile in return, just to make them feel as if I am acknowledging their humanity as well."
Tip #2 Smile
No, we don't mean you should walk around grinning like a lunatic all day (although this will keep the assholes [and everyone else] at bay) but smile at people. Let them think that you don't hate them. "If the person does not smile back," says Rhonda Shelby, a receptionist at the Sunshine Dental Clinic in Springdale, Arkansas, "it may just mean that he is an inconsiderate boob, and you can, therefore, enjoy feeling superior to him and smile all the more brightly at the next potential creep you encounter. It's more likely, though, that his failure to return your smile means he bears ill will toward you, in which case you should be prepared to pepper spray him should he take one step closer. Or he might just be insecure about his teeth--sometimes I wish people were more insecure about their teeth..."
Tip #3 Behave as if you expect the best from people
We know you've been hurt. We know that you've been mistreated, and that the pain can sometimes build up around you until it hardens into a thick impenetrable shell--a cloudy lense through which you view every stranger you encounter as a potential enemy. This is a perfectly reasonable way of looking at the world, and the safest, but it is equally important that you do not treat your potential enemies as such. Charles "Curly" Jackson, president of the Fredrickson, Oklahoma Chapter of Friends of the NRA gives this advice: "Do not assume that the family of low lifes who moved in down the street are going break into your home and try to take your T.V. or touch your wife in an inappropriate manner. Instead, go over and talk with them, or invite them over to your house for barbecue, and to show them your gun collection. Actually get to know them, instead of jumping to conclusions about them. That way you'll know exactly what kind of assholes you are dealing with. And so will they."
Tip #4 Ask questions instead of making accusations
Simply telling someone that he or she is a complete knee-biter rarely accomplishes anything other than to broaden the offending persons lexicon of derogatory labels to apply to the next person who pisses them off. We are often unsatisfied by the responses we get to even our most carefully crafted and brilliantly offensive epithets, and this is because we know that the target of our rage will suffer no lasting wounds. What we want is to "put the offending person in his or her place," but we cannot accomplish this by shouting dirty words at them. Hairdresser and nail technition Glenda Swan suggests that asking questions about the person's behavior and motivations may lead the person to a new awareness about his or her less attractive qualities. "Ask them," she says, "What have I done to offend you? Have I in some way inadvertently deserved your cruelty? Do you feel that you are superior to me? Do you feel that you are entitled to some kind of special treatment because you are very rich or pretty or because you drive a fancy car and have some degree from some fancy university somewhere? Do you think you are better than everyone?" Usually the person will answer "No" to these questions, and sometimes they will even apologize. "Especially," Glenda notes, "if you are holding them by the hair." If they do not, they are admitting that they are snooty pricks, and therefore you are saved the trouble of insulting them yourself. Either way it is likely that they have learned a valuable lesson from the exchange, and it is reasonable to hope that they will benefit from it.
It is impossible to deny the proliferation of assholery, and it is unlikely that we will ever find a cure. But if you arm yourself with your new awareness of the problem and put these strategies to work in your daily interactions with people, you may, at least, enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you are not as much of a jerk as most of the people in the world.
I mean, look at that guy. What a dolt!
(Note: I must give my special thanks to yggdrasil , the sexiest, sweetest thesaurus in the WORLD!)
In fact, the other day as I waited in line and watched the young clerk rolling her heavily mascara'ed eyes at the elderly man she was checking out in front of me, I became so angry that I almost yelled at her. "Listen, young lady!" I almost said, "Obviously, your company is not very concerned with customer satisfaction, but where I'm from we have a little thing called 'respect for your elders!'"
But I kept my cool and settled for answering her insipid questions in clipped and haughty tones: "Yes. I would Like Paper. . . . . . Please." And when the little trollop asked if I had a Country Mar card, I didn't even answer her. I just handed her my card and pretended to look out the window.
Disrespectful whelp.
Sadly, this young brat's bad temper and overall ugliness was really only very mild in comparison to the hundreds of absolute jerks I am plagued with on a daily basis. I found her assholery most disturbing, though, because it showed how widespread the problem is--how far it has already gone. Even the check-out ladies are jerks now.
Where does all this anger and hatefulness come from? Why are people mean? What can I do to stop it?
According to Janis Hophenfelder PhD. an anger management therapist in Dallas, Texas and the country's leading expert in the field of Shmuckology, there is nothing I can do about the way other people behave: "The best thing you can do," she says, "is make sure that you are not the one who is being an asshole."
"Me?" I asked. "What, are you friggin' crazy?"
"Perhaps. Tell me about the last time you were mistreated by a stranger."
I didn't have to think about that one for long. Just on the way to her office (which, I may have mentioned, is in Dallas, where the sane, rational driver to complete lunatic ratio is one to every other idiot on the road) I got stuck pulling into a parking deck for nearly 20 minutes during which time I was honked and cursed at, and one man nearly rammed my car pulling out of a parking space. Everyone was going the wrong way down a one way drive. Honestly, it was like the whole world had gone crazy. And they were calling me stupid!
"I'm a little hoarse from shouting back at them," I finished.
"I see," said 'Dr.' Hophenhelder. "I wonder, did you notice any signs? Any arrows painted on the walls or the concrete?"
"No, I didn't notice any signs! I was too busy trying to keep from getting crashed into by all the morons who . . . look, if you're not going to answer my questions . . .I don't have time for this! This interview is OVER!"
Stupid shrinks.
Anyway, because psychiatrists are obviously too wrapped up in "theories" and what they call "science" to understand how actual people function in the actual world, I decided to do some investigating on my own. I spoke several real experts on the subject of assholery and can now provide my readers with some practical tips for dealing with jerks.
Tip #1: Make eye contact
People are busy. They have someone on the cell phone; they have somewhere to go and aquaintances and co-workers to see. Sometimes it's easy for the selfish twits to see other people as nothing more than obstacles which they must overcome in order to get to their next ultimately meaningless destination. "Sometimes I can tell that a person I am dealing with has not fully made the connection between my physical presense and voice and my actual humanity," says Michael Peterson, a cashier and sandwhich artist at a Las Vegas Subway. "They will speak to me as if I am one of those robot telephone operators or a speaking ATM machine. Usually, though, I find that if I have a chance to look them directly in the eyes, it sort of snaps them out of it. Sometimes they even smile, and at these times, I often smile in return, just to make them feel as if I am acknowledging their humanity as well."
Tip #2 Smile
No, we don't mean you should walk around grinning like a lunatic all day (although this will keep the assholes [and everyone else] at bay) but smile at people. Let them think that you don't hate them. "If the person does not smile back," says Rhonda Shelby, a receptionist at the Sunshine Dental Clinic in Springdale, Arkansas, "it may just mean that he is an inconsiderate boob, and you can, therefore, enjoy feeling superior to him and smile all the more brightly at the next potential creep you encounter. It's more likely, though, that his failure to return your smile means he bears ill will toward you, in which case you should be prepared to pepper spray him should he take one step closer. Or he might just be insecure about his teeth--sometimes I wish people were more insecure about their teeth..."
Tip #3 Behave as if you expect the best from people
We know you've been hurt. We know that you've been mistreated, and that the pain can sometimes build up around you until it hardens into a thick impenetrable shell--a cloudy lense through which you view every stranger you encounter as a potential enemy. This is a perfectly reasonable way of looking at the world, and the safest, but it is equally important that you do not treat your potential enemies as such. Charles "Curly" Jackson, president of the Fredrickson, Oklahoma Chapter of Friends of the NRA gives this advice: "Do not assume that the family of low lifes who moved in down the street are going break into your home and try to take your T.V. or touch your wife in an inappropriate manner. Instead, go over and talk with them, or invite them over to your house for barbecue, and to show them your gun collection. Actually get to know them, instead of jumping to conclusions about them. That way you'll know exactly what kind of assholes you are dealing with. And so will they."
Tip #4 Ask questions instead of making accusations
Simply telling someone that he or she is a complete knee-biter rarely accomplishes anything other than to broaden the offending persons lexicon of derogatory labels to apply to the next person who pisses them off. We are often unsatisfied by the responses we get to even our most carefully crafted and brilliantly offensive epithets, and this is because we know that the target of our rage will suffer no lasting wounds. What we want is to "put the offending person in his or her place," but we cannot accomplish this by shouting dirty words at them. Hairdresser and nail technition Glenda Swan suggests that asking questions about the person's behavior and motivations may lead the person to a new awareness about his or her less attractive qualities. "Ask them," she says, "What have I done to offend you? Have I in some way inadvertently deserved your cruelty? Do you feel that you are superior to me? Do you feel that you are entitled to some kind of special treatment because you are very rich or pretty or because you drive a fancy car and have some degree from some fancy university somewhere? Do you think you are better than everyone?" Usually the person will answer "No" to these questions, and sometimes they will even apologize. "Especially," Glenda notes, "if you are holding them by the hair." If they do not, they are admitting that they are snooty pricks, and therefore you are saved the trouble of insulting them yourself. Either way it is likely that they have learned a valuable lesson from the exchange, and it is reasonable to hope that they will benefit from it.
It is impossible to deny the proliferation of assholery, and it is unlikely that we will ever find a cure. But if you arm yourself with your new awareness of the problem and put these strategies to work in your daily interactions with people, you may, at least, enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you are not as much of a jerk as most of the people in the world.
I mean, look at that guy. What a dolt!
(Note: I must give my special thanks to yggdrasil , the sexiest, sweetest thesaurus in the WORLD!)
// posted by Toastedsuzy @ 8:09 PM 
