Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Are You the One Who is Being an Asshole? Our Experts Say, "Yes, You Probably Are."
I have been noticing lately that the number of assholes I encounter on a daily basis has reached a record high. In fact, it seems that I can hardly make it through my day without coming into contact with a person who is rude and/or just off the charts stupid. They're at work. They're on the roads. They're all over the roads--literally sometimes. I swear I've flipped off so many idiot drivers for cutting me off or slowing me down or leaving their turn signals on for eighteen blocks that I can't even bend my middle finger any more. Assholes! They're on message boards, bickering about nomenclature and vying for the title of Most Righteously Indignant. They are at the grocery store, clogging up the aisles, stopping shopping cart traffic to slap their bratty kids around. They're even at the check-out stand, smacking their gum tartly and barking out surly instructions for using the credit card scanner.
In fact, the other day as I waited in line and watched the young clerk rolling her heavily mascara'ed eyes at the elderly man she was checking out in front of me, I became so angry that I almost yelled at her. "Listen, young lady!" I almost said, "Obviously, your company is not very concerned with customer satisfaction, but where I'm from we have a little thing called 'respect for your elders!'"
But I kept my cool and settled for answering her insipid questions in clipped and haughty tones: "Yes. I would Like Paper. . . . . . Please." And when the little trollop asked if I had a Country Mar card, I didn't even answer her. I just handed her my card and pretended to look out the window.
Disrespectful whelp.
Sadly, this young brat's bad temper and overall ugliness was really only very mild in comparison to the hundreds of absolute jerks I am plagued with on a daily basis. I found her assholery most disturbing, though, because it showed how widespread the problem is--how far it has already gone. Even the check-out ladies are jerks now.
Where does all this anger and hatefulness come from? Why are people mean? What can I do to stop it?
According to Janis Hophenfelder PhD. an anger management therapist in Dallas, Texas and the country's leading expert in the field of Shmuckology, there is nothing I can do about the way other people behave: "The best thing you can do," she says, "is make sure that you are not the one who is being an asshole."
"Me?" I asked. "What, are you friggin' crazy?"
"Perhaps. Tell me about the last time you were mistreated by a stranger."
I didn't have to think about that one for long. Just on the way to her office (which, I may have mentioned, is in Dallas, where the sane, rational driver to complete lunatic ratio is one to every other idiot on the road) I got stuck pulling into a parking deck for nearly 20 minutes during which time I was honked and cursed at, and one man nearly rammed my car pulling out of a parking space. Everyone was going the wrong way down a one way drive. Honestly, it was like the whole world had gone crazy. And they were calling me stupid!
"I'm a little hoarse from shouting back at them," I finished.
"I see," said 'Dr.' Hophenhelder. "I wonder, did you notice any signs? Any arrows painted on the walls or the concrete?"
"No, I didn't notice any signs! I was too busy trying to keep from getting crashed into by all the morons who . . . look, if you're not going to answer my questions . . .I don't have time for this! This interview is OVER!"
Stupid shrinks.
Anyway, because psychiatrists are obviously too wrapped up in "theories" and what they call "science" to understand how actual people function in the actual world, I decided to do some investigating on my own. I spoke several real experts on the subject of assholery and can now provide my readers with some practical tips for dealing with jerks.
Tip #1: Make eye contact
People are busy. They have someone on the cell phone; they have somewhere to go and aquaintances and co-workers to see. Sometimes it's easy for the selfish twits to see other people as nothing more than obstacles which they must overcome in order to get to their next ultimately meaningless destination. "Sometimes I can tell that a person I am dealing with has not fully made the connection between my physical presense and voice and my actual humanity," says Michael Peterson, a cashier and sandwhich artist at a Las Vegas Subway. "They will speak to me as if I am one of those robot telephone operators or a speaking ATM machine. Usually, though, I find that if I have a chance to look them directly in the eyes, it sort of snaps them out of it. Sometimes they even smile, and at these times, I often smile in return, just to make them feel as if I am acknowledging their humanity as well."
Tip #2 Smile
No, we don't mean you should walk around grinning like a lunatic all day (although this will keep the assholes [and everyone else] at bay) but smile at people. Let them think that you don't hate them. "If the person does not smile back," says Rhonda Shelby, a receptionist at the Sunshine Dental Clinic in Springdale, Arkansas, "it may just mean that he is an inconsiderate boob, and you can, therefore, enjoy feeling superior to him and smile all the more brightly at the next potential creep you encounter. It's more likely, though, that his failure to return your smile means he bears ill will toward you, in which case you should be prepared to pepper spray him should he take one step closer. Or he might just be insecure about his teeth--sometimes I wish people were more insecure about their teeth..."
Tip #3 Behave as if you expect the best from people
We know you've been hurt. We know that you've been mistreated, and that the pain can sometimes build up around you until it hardens into a thick impenetrable shell--a cloudy lense through which you view every stranger you encounter as a potential enemy. This is a perfectly reasonable way of looking at the world, and the safest, but it is equally important that you do not treat your potential enemies as such. Charles "Curly" Jackson, president of the Fredrickson, Oklahoma Chapter of Friends of the NRA gives this advice: "Do not assume that the family of low lifes who moved in down the street are going break into your home and try to take your T.V. or touch your wife in an inappropriate manner. Instead, go over and talk with them, or invite them over to your house for barbecue, and to show them your gun collection. Actually get to know them, instead of jumping to conclusions about them. That way you'll know exactly what kind of assholes you are dealing with. And so will they."
Tip #4 Ask questions instead of making accusations
Simply telling someone that he or she is a complete knee-biter rarely accomplishes anything other than to broaden the offending persons lexicon of derogatory labels to apply to the next person who pisses them off. We are often unsatisfied by the responses we get to even our most carefully crafted and brilliantly offensive epithets, and this is because we know that the target of our rage will suffer no lasting wounds. What we want is to "put the offending person in his or her place," but we cannot accomplish this by shouting dirty words at them. Hairdresser and nail technition Glenda Swan suggests that asking questions about the person's behavior and motivations may lead the person to a new awareness about his or her less attractive qualities. "Ask them," she says, "What have I done to offend you? Have I in some way inadvertently deserved your cruelty? Do you feel that you are superior to me? Do you feel that you are entitled to some kind of special treatment because you are very rich or pretty or because you drive a fancy car and have some degree from some fancy university somewhere? Do you think you are better than everyone?" Usually the person will answer "No" to these questions, and sometimes they will even apologize. "Especially," Glenda notes, "if you are holding them by the hair." If they do not, they are admitting that they are snooty pricks, and therefore you are saved the trouble of insulting them yourself. Either way it is likely that they have learned a valuable lesson from the exchange, and it is reasonable to hope that they will benefit from it.
It is impossible to deny the proliferation of assholery, and it is unlikely that we will ever find a cure. But if you arm yourself with your new awareness of the problem and put these strategies to work in your daily interactions with people, you may, at least, enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you are not as much of a jerk as most of the people in the world.
I mean, look at that guy. What a dolt!
(Note: I must give my special thanks to yggdrasil , the sexiest, sweetest thesaurus in the WORLD!)
In fact, the other day as I waited in line and watched the young clerk rolling her heavily mascara'ed eyes at the elderly man she was checking out in front of me, I became so angry that I almost yelled at her. "Listen, young lady!" I almost said, "Obviously, your company is not very concerned with customer satisfaction, but where I'm from we have a little thing called 'respect for your elders!'"
But I kept my cool and settled for answering her insipid questions in clipped and haughty tones: "Yes. I would Like Paper. . . . . . Please." And when the little trollop asked if I had a Country Mar card, I didn't even answer her. I just handed her my card and pretended to look out the window.
Disrespectful whelp.
Sadly, this young brat's bad temper and overall ugliness was really only very mild in comparison to the hundreds of absolute jerks I am plagued with on a daily basis. I found her assholery most disturbing, though, because it showed how widespread the problem is--how far it has already gone. Even the check-out ladies are jerks now.
Where does all this anger and hatefulness come from? Why are people mean? What can I do to stop it?
According to Janis Hophenfelder PhD. an anger management therapist in Dallas, Texas and the country's leading expert in the field of Shmuckology, there is nothing I can do about the way other people behave: "The best thing you can do," she says, "is make sure that you are not the one who is being an asshole."
"Me?" I asked. "What, are you friggin' crazy?"
"Perhaps. Tell me about the last time you were mistreated by a stranger."
I didn't have to think about that one for long. Just on the way to her office (which, I may have mentioned, is in Dallas, where the sane, rational driver to complete lunatic ratio is one to every other idiot on the road) I got stuck pulling into a parking deck for nearly 20 minutes during which time I was honked and cursed at, and one man nearly rammed my car pulling out of a parking space. Everyone was going the wrong way down a one way drive. Honestly, it was like the whole world had gone crazy. And they were calling me stupid!
"I'm a little hoarse from shouting back at them," I finished.
"I see," said 'Dr.' Hophenhelder. "I wonder, did you notice any signs? Any arrows painted on the walls or the concrete?"
"No, I didn't notice any signs! I was too busy trying to keep from getting crashed into by all the morons who . . . look, if you're not going to answer my questions . . .I don't have time for this! This interview is OVER!"
Stupid shrinks.
Anyway, because psychiatrists are obviously too wrapped up in "theories" and what they call "science" to understand how actual people function in the actual world, I decided to do some investigating on my own. I spoke several real experts on the subject of assholery and can now provide my readers with some practical tips for dealing with jerks.
Tip #1: Make eye contact
People are busy. They have someone on the cell phone; they have somewhere to go and aquaintances and co-workers to see. Sometimes it's easy for the selfish twits to see other people as nothing more than obstacles which they must overcome in order to get to their next ultimately meaningless destination. "Sometimes I can tell that a person I am dealing with has not fully made the connection between my physical presense and voice and my actual humanity," says Michael Peterson, a cashier and sandwhich artist at a Las Vegas Subway. "They will speak to me as if I am one of those robot telephone operators or a speaking ATM machine. Usually, though, I find that if I have a chance to look them directly in the eyes, it sort of snaps them out of it. Sometimes they even smile, and at these times, I often smile in return, just to make them feel as if I am acknowledging their humanity as well."
Tip #2 Smile
No, we don't mean you should walk around grinning like a lunatic all day (although this will keep the assholes [and everyone else] at bay) but smile at people. Let them think that you don't hate them. "If the person does not smile back," says Rhonda Shelby, a receptionist at the Sunshine Dental Clinic in Springdale, Arkansas, "it may just mean that he is an inconsiderate boob, and you can, therefore, enjoy feeling superior to him and smile all the more brightly at the next potential creep you encounter. It's more likely, though, that his failure to return your smile means he bears ill will toward you, in which case you should be prepared to pepper spray him should he take one step closer. Or he might just be insecure about his teeth--sometimes I wish people were more insecure about their teeth..."
Tip #3 Behave as if you expect the best from people
We know you've been hurt. We know that you've been mistreated, and that the pain can sometimes build up around you until it hardens into a thick impenetrable shell--a cloudy lense through which you view every stranger you encounter as a potential enemy. This is a perfectly reasonable way of looking at the world, and the safest, but it is equally important that you do not treat your potential enemies as such. Charles "Curly" Jackson, president of the Fredrickson, Oklahoma Chapter of Friends of the NRA gives this advice: "Do not assume that the family of low lifes who moved in down the street are going break into your home and try to take your T.V. or touch your wife in an inappropriate manner. Instead, go over and talk with them, or invite them over to your house for barbecue, and to show them your gun collection. Actually get to know them, instead of jumping to conclusions about them. That way you'll know exactly what kind of assholes you are dealing with. And so will they."
Tip #4 Ask questions instead of making accusations
Simply telling someone that he or she is a complete knee-biter rarely accomplishes anything other than to broaden the offending persons lexicon of derogatory labels to apply to the next person who pisses them off. We are often unsatisfied by the responses we get to even our most carefully crafted and brilliantly offensive epithets, and this is because we know that the target of our rage will suffer no lasting wounds. What we want is to "put the offending person in his or her place," but we cannot accomplish this by shouting dirty words at them. Hairdresser and nail technition Glenda Swan suggests that asking questions about the person's behavior and motivations may lead the person to a new awareness about his or her less attractive qualities. "Ask them," she says, "What have I done to offend you? Have I in some way inadvertently deserved your cruelty? Do you feel that you are superior to me? Do you feel that you are entitled to some kind of special treatment because you are very rich or pretty or because you drive a fancy car and have some degree from some fancy university somewhere? Do you think you are better than everyone?" Usually the person will answer "No" to these questions, and sometimes they will even apologize. "Especially," Glenda notes, "if you are holding them by the hair." If they do not, they are admitting that they are snooty pricks, and therefore you are saved the trouble of insulting them yourself. Either way it is likely that they have learned a valuable lesson from the exchange, and it is reasonable to hope that they will benefit from it.
It is impossible to deny the proliferation of assholery, and it is unlikely that we will ever find a cure. But if you arm yourself with your new awareness of the problem and put these strategies to work in your daily interactions with people, you may, at least, enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you are not as much of a jerk as most of the people in the world.
I mean, look at that guy. What a dolt!
(Note: I must give my special thanks to yggdrasil , the sexiest, sweetest thesaurus in the WORLD!)
// posted by Toastedsuzy @ 8:09 PM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Shakespeare beats Brad and Donald in Women's Poll
Well boys you better put down those Slim Fast Shakes, get off the Bowflex, and powerwalk to the nearest Barnes & Noble to pick up the Complete Works of William Shakespeare because a recent poll of young women, conducted by BuyMore Magazine, suggests that "smart is sexy."
When asked with whom they would most like to have a romantic evening of dinner, candelight and a little dancing on the beach, most of the three women polled said that they would choose long dead celeb William Shakespeare (Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Shakespeare in Love) over Brad Pitt, Donald Trump and even Jake Gyllenhaal, who at least looks sensitive.
The charming Tom Hanks (The DaVinci Code, Bosom Buddies) came in fifth on the list of six men, and Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons brought up the rear, with only 13 percent of women saying they would trip the light fantastic with the rich CEO of Spacely's Sprockets.
Donald Trump's heartbreaking number three ranking and sexy Brad Pitt's number two suggest not only that "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind," but that even money cannot compete with "words, words, words."
#1 Poem in America
When asked with whom they would most like to have a romantic evening of dinner, candelight and a little dancing on the beach, most of the three women polled said that they would choose long dead celeb William Shakespeare (Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Shakespeare in Love) over Brad Pitt, Donald Trump and even Jake Gyllenhaal, who at least looks sensitive.
The charming Tom Hanks (The DaVinci Code, Bosom Buddies) came in fifth on the list of six men, and Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons brought up the rear, with only 13 percent of women saying they would trip the light fantastic with the rich CEO of Spacely's Sprockets.
Donald Trump's heartbreaking number three ranking and sexy Brad Pitt's number two suggest not only that "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind," but that even money cannot compete with "words, words, words."
#1 Poem in America
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Do Your Students Fear and Respect You?
We all want to be loved by our students. We want them to come to class eager to collect the bounty of wisdom that falls from our lips. We want them to compete with one another for our attention and affection--to live for our praise or even the slightest, plain-faced nod in acknowledgement that they have spoken. We want them to begin dressing like we dress and adopting our charming mannerisms and gestures. Of course we want this, and, undoubtedly the world would be a better place if it were filled with young people who behaved as we do. At the very least, it would be a more stylish place.
The hard truth that we are all forced to contend with eventually, though, is that not all of our students will love us. In fact, some of our students will not even like us. It is even possible that some of our students will hate us and our favorite Strong Bad T-shirt. Our natural impulse when confronted with these tasteless and unpleasant people is to dismiss them, to send them fleeing from the classroom with an onslaught of wholly offensive yet grammatically correct epithets and accusations.
This is perfectly acceptable.
For the rest, we should ask ourselves--as a famous Italian author of self-help manuals for hypersensitive monarchs once asked--whether it is better to be loved than feared or feared than loved. The answer, of course, is that if we cannot have both, it is better to be feared than loved. Why? Because if your students dislike but fear you, they will at least keep their fool mouths shut and do what they are told, whereas even the most puppy-eyed acolyte, yammering on and on about how great you are and what a cool paisley tie you've chosen to wear with your checkered coat, can annoy the crap out of you at times.
In order to help you create a classroom environment whose atmosphere of humiliation and terror commands absolute, unquestioning obedience to your every awful whim, we have assembled a panel of experts to offer some helpful tips and tidbits for generating and maximizing an aura of evil.
Here is what they have to say:
"Tell them that if they do not listen attentively and write their papers in a manner that is acceptable in civilized society, you may have to inform their mothers, who are your friends, of their misconduct. You hate to think how disappointed their mothers will be."
-Nurse Ratchett
"If a student raises her hand, ignore her for several minutes while you flex your massive biceps or crush chalk into dust and blow it in the faces of the puny mortals infesting the front row of desks. Then, acknowledge her impertinence in this way: 'I beg your miniscule pardon?' When she begins to ask her question, bellow 'SIIIIILENCE!'"
-Thor
"Wear black. All black, all the time. Do not underestimate the power of a dark wardrobe. Also, if one of your students argues with you or speaks when you have not given him permission to speak, use the force to strangle that student to death. Then, just for fun, call on another student and ask what she thinks."
-Darth Vader
"You gotta tell them. You gotta look 'em in the eye and say 'Listen you f**ks, you screwheads. Here is a teacher who won't take it anymore. Here is a prof who'll stand up against the scum, the c**ts, the filth, the s**t! Here is a teacher who stood up!' and you wave a gun around in their stupid f**kin' faces. That's what you do."
-Travis Bickle
"Resistance is fruity...no...foot ... Resistance is fooze ball?...no...useless! Resistance is useless! Don't even try it!"
-George (the "W" stands for We are the Borg) Bush
The hard truth that we are all forced to contend with eventually, though, is that not all of our students will love us. In fact, some of our students will not even like us. It is even possible that some of our students will hate us and our favorite Strong Bad T-shirt. Our natural impulse when confronted with these tasteless and unpleasant people is to dismiss them, to send them fleeing from the classroom with an onslaught of wholly offensive yet grammatically correct epithets and accusations.
This is perfectly acceptable.
For the rest, we should ask ourselves--as a famous Italian author of self-help manuals for hypersensitive monarchs once asked--whether it is better to be loved than feared or feared than loved. The answer, of course, is that if we cannot have both, it is better to be feared than loved. Why? Because if your students dislike but fear you, they will at least keep their fool mouths shut and do what they are told, whereas even the most puppy-eyed acolyte, yammering on and on about how great you are and what a cool paisley tie you've chosen to wear with your checkered coat, can annoy the crap out of you at times.
In order to help you create a classroom environment whose atmosphere of humiliation and terror commands absolute, unquestioning obedience to your every awful whim, we have assembled a panel of experts to offer some helpful tips and tidbits for generating and maximizing an aura of evil.
Here is what they have to say:
"Tell them that if they do not listen attentively and write their papers in a manner that is acceptable in civilized society, you may have to inform their mothers, who are your friends, of their misconduct. You hate to think how disappointed their mothers will be."
-Nurse Ratchett
"If a student raises her hand, ignore her for several minutes while you flex your massive biceps or crush chalk into dust and blow it in the faces of the puny mortals infesting the front row of desks. Then, acknowledge her impertinence in this way: 'I beg your miniscule pardon?' When she begins to ask her question, bellow 'SIIIIILENCE!'"
-Thor
"Wear black. All black, all the time. Do not underestimate the power of a dark wardrobe. Also, if one of your students argues with you or speaks when you have not given him permission to speak, use the force to strangle that student to death. Then, just for fun, call on another student and ask what she thinks."
-Darth Vader
"You gotta tell them. You gotta look 'em in the eye and say 'Listen you f**ks, you screwheads. Here is a teacher who won't take it anymore. Here is a prof who'll stand up against the scum, the c**ts, the filth, the s**t! Here is a teacher who stood up!' and you wave a gun around in their stupid f**kin' faces. That's what you do."
-Travis Bickle
"Resistance is fruity...no...foot ... Resistance is fooze ball?...no...useless! Resistance is useless! Don't even try it!"
-George (the "W" stands for We are the Borg) Bush
