Sunday, December 03, 2006
Toasty's Holiday Wal-Mart Shopping Tips
Tip # 1: Bow to the inevitable
You will have to go to Wal-Mart. Know this. Own it, as soon as possible. You will have to go, and the longer you wait, the more painful your trip will be. You do not--and this is very important--you DO NOT want to go to Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve. So accept your fate and go as soon as possible.
Tip #2: Stay focused!
Keep a list of products in the front of your mind at all times. You may want to take a written list, too, but do not stop to look at it. It is imperative that you keep moving.
There are several obstacles you must be aware of. The first, of course, is the greeter, a seemingly benevolent elderly person who is in fact an unwitting pawn of the oppressor. The greeter is there to distract you with idle chatter about the weather and vague attempts to foist happy-face stickers on you.
Avoid this person.
When you enter the Wal-Mart, hold both hands, flat palm out, on either side of you at shoulder level. Extend your arms, slightly, so that your elbows form a 30-45 degree angle. In this way you will create a perimeter around yourself. If any person attempts to penetrate this circle of personal space, shove that person away from you. Firmly. You should deal similarly with people offering credit cards, samples of barbecue sauce, or "help finding something." These people are not your friends.
Tip #3: Follow your instincts.
Other obstacles that will stand in your way are end-caps featuring pretty, odd, or seemingly clever gadgets at unbelievably low prices. Most of these products are stupid and useless, but the enemy has learned to arrange them in such away that they may easily distract the undisciplined shopper. One key to dealing with this attempt to draw you away from your primary objectives is to know your weaknesses. Is it color that attracts your attention? Are you susceptible to the lure of technological hoodads? Do you like boxes or lava lamps? Understand what items will have the strongest pull on you, and when you pass those items, merely reach out with one hand and scoop one of them into your shopping cart. Do this without stopping. Remember, you MUST KEEP MOVING. Do not stop to pick out a particular color or to double check the price. You will probably end up buying the damned thing anyway, and you will most likely be disappointed with your purchase once you get it home. (See Tip #1.)
Tip #4: Be ruthless.
Fellow shoppers are your enemy. Do not trust them. Do not wait for them to come out of an aisle that you are intent on crossing. Do not stop to chat, smile, or politely excuse your intrusions on their space. Do not be afraid to nudge or even shove fellow shoppers and/or their shopping carts out of your way. Remember: You have a mission. Maintain the perimeter you created upon entering the store by alternating hands--one hand on the cart, one hand held, palm out, at shoulder level to ward off any dubious characters.
Tip #5: Be vigilant!
Keep your eye on the contents of your cart, as some of your fellow shoppers will remove the items you have chosen and place them in their own baskets. If anyone attempts to do this to you, kill him or her with your credit or debit card. Be swift and certain. Do not hesitate. Shwippow! Dead. And keep moving. Killing someone early, particularly if that person is either very young or very old, will go far toward ensuring that the remaining shoppers will keep their distance for the rest of your stay.
Tip #6: Bring reinforcements.
It is best to bring only one co-operative, but if they are used appropriately, two subordinate shoppers can also make your mission go more smoothly. Deploy your troops to retrieve only one item at a time, as their chances of being distracted increase with each aisle they must negotiate. Carefully discuss and plot out the courses your subordinates will take to reach their objectives and decide on a specific rendesvous point and time. Make sure your troops are aware of the importance of time during this operation. The punishment for tardiness must be severe. The removal of a toe or some other non-essential body part would be a suitable retribution.
As you begin your product laden journey back toward the check-out stands and the exit, send your troops ahead to scout out the lines and secure your position in one that is the shortest and fastest moving. Once you reach your final objective, use your subordinates as human shields to absorb the pull of any impulse-shopping items and to return the glares of the envious shoppers behind you.
Tip #7: Maintain an emotional distance.
Have compassion for POW's (Prisoners of Wal-Mart) but be realistic. You cannot help them. Do not make eye-contact with the checker. Merely nod in the direction of the floor when he or she asks you how your holiday is going and what the weather is like outside (he or she has not seen the actual sky in weeks). What you will find in the eyes of a Wal-Mart check-out person around Christmas time is a sorrow and hopelessness so profound that it will make you want to sit down and weep. You will want to help him or her, but you can't. Looking into the checker's eye will only give him or her false hope. Don't do it. The longer you remain inside the Wal-Mart, the greater the chance that you too will be sucked into the giant vortex of despair. Save yourself.
Do not acknowledge any whispered pleas to send word to family members, to bring in a flower or a bit of grass--even dead grass--or to alert the press. Again, you cannot help them. It is too late. Pay for your goods and exit quickly.
NOTE: Sometimes the robot security system at the door will order you to stop. He will suggest that you have commited a crime for which you may be punished if you do not allow the seemingly benevolent elderly person to search your bags for stolen merchandise. This is yet another ploy--the worst of them. Ignore this soulless voice from the abyss. Continue walking as if nothing is happening. Let the greeter search the guilty looking lady or gentleman behind you.
Tip #8: There is no tip #8
The next objective is to find your car and exit the Wal-Mart parking lot. Absolutely nothing can prepare you for this.
Stay strong, and God be with you. Merry X-Mas Everyone!
You will have to go to Wal-Mart. Know this. Own it, as soon as possible. You will have to go, and the longer you wait, the more painful your trip will be. You do not--and this is very important--you DO NOT want to go to Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve. So accept your fate and go as soon as possible.
Tip #2: Stay focused!
Keep a list of products in the front of your mind at all times. You may want to take a written list, too, but do not stop to look at it. It is imperative that you keep moving.
There are several obstacles you must be aware of. The first, of course, is the greeter, a seemingly benevolent elderly person who is in fact an unwitting pawn of the oppressor. The greeter is there to distract you with idle chatter about the weather and vague attempts to foist happy-face stickers on you.
Avoid this person.
When you enter the Wal-Mart, hold both hands, flat palm out, on either side of you at shoulder level. Extend your arms, slightly, so that your elbows form a 30-45 degree angle. In this way you will create a perimeter around yourself. If any person attempts to penetrate this circle of personal space, shove that person away from you. Firmly. You should deal similarly with people offering credit cards, samples of barbecue sauce, or "help finding something." These people are not your friends.
Tip #3: Follow your instincts.
Other obstacles that will stand in your way are end-caps featuring pretty, odd, or seemingly clever gadgets at unbelievably low prices. Most of these products are stupid and useless, but the enemy has learned to arrange them in such away that they may easily distract the undisciplined shopper. One key to dealing with this attempt to draw you away from your primary objectives is to know your weaknesses. Is it color that attracts your attention? Are you susceptible to the lure of technological hoodads? Do you like boxes or lava lamps? Understand what items will have the strongest pull on you, and when you pass those items, merely reach out with one hand and scoop one of them into your shopping cart. Do this without stopping. Remember, you MUST KEEP MOVING. Do not stop to pick out a particular color or to double check the price. You will probably end up buying the damned thing anyway, and you will most likely be disappointed with your purchase once you get it home. (See Tip #1.)
Tip #4: Be ruthless.
Fellow shoppers are your enemy. Do not trust them. Do not wait for them to come out of an aisle that you are intent on crossing. Do not stop to chat, smile, or politely excuse your intrusions on their space. Do not be afraid to nudge or even shove fellow shoppers and/or their shopping carts out of your way. Remember: You have a mission. Maintain the perimeter you created upon entering the store by alternating hands--one hand on the cart, one hand held, palm out, at shoulder level to ward off any dubious characters.
Tip #5: Be vigilant!
Keep your eye on the contents of your cart, as some of your fellow shoppers will remove the items you have chosen and place them in their own baskets. If anyone attempts to do this to you, kill him or her with your credit or debit card. Be swift and certain. Do not hesitate. Shwippow! Dead. And keep moving. Killing someone early, particularly if that person is either very young or very old, will go far toward ensuring that the remaining shoppers will keep their distance for the rest of your stay.
Tip #6: Bring reinforcements.
It is best to bring only one co-operative, but if they are used appropriately, two subordinate shoppers can also make your mission go more smoothly. Deploy your troops to retrieve only one item at a time, as their chances of being distracted increase with each aisle they must negotiate. Carefully discuss and plot out the courses your subordinates will take to reach their objectives and decide on a specific rendesvous point and time. Make sure your troops are aware of the importance of time during this operation. The punishment for tardiness must be severe. The removal of a toe or some other non-essential body part would be a suitable retribution.
As you begin your product laden journey back toward the check-out stands and the exit, send your troops ahead to scout out the lines and secure your position in one that is the shortest and fastest moving. Once you reach your final objective, use your subordinates as human shields to absorb the pull of any impulse-shopping items and to return the glares of the envious shoppers behind you.
Tip #7: Maintain an emotional distance.
Have compassion for POW's (Prisoners of Wal-Mart) but be realistic. You cannot help them. Do not make eye-contact with the checker. Merely nod in the direction of the floor when he or she asks you how your holiday is going and what the weather is like outside (he or she has not seen the actual sky in weeks). What you will find in the eyes of a Wal-Mart check-out person around Christmas time is a sorrow and hopelessness so profound that it will make you want to sit down and weep. You will want to help him or her, but you can't. Looking into the checker's eye will only give him or her false hope. Don't do it. The longer you remain inside the Wal-Mart, the greater the chance that you too will be sucked into the giant vortex of despair. Save yourself.
Do not acknowledge any whispered pleas to send word to family members, to bring in a flower or a bit of grass--even dead grass--or to alert the press. Again, you cannot help them. It is too late. Pay for your goods and exit quickly.
NOTE: Sometimes the robot security system at the door will order you to stop. He will suggest that you have commited a crime for which you may be punished if you do not allow the seemingly benevolent elderly person to search your bags for stolen merchandise. This is yet another ploy--the worst of them. Ignore this soulless voice from the abyss. Continue walking as if nothing is happening. Let the greeter search the guilty looking lady or gentleman behind you.
Tip #8: There is no tip #8
The next objective is to find your car and exit the Wal-Mart parking lot. Absolutely nothing can prepare you for this.
Stay strong, and God be with you. Merry X-Mas Everyone!
// posted by Toastedsuzy @ 9:40 AM 
Comments:
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I like the fact that, apparently, the Satanic 'greeters' are now supposed to guess what denomination one is, so as to give an appropriate salutation, as opposed to the horrificalloy generic 'Happy Holidays'. I love this idea.
Let me add, that I have no direct evidence of this myself, but have it on the authority of a Wal-Mart 'expert survivor' (and possible addict).
How on earth are the AARP certified hordes (i.e. The greeters) supposed to to detect my atheism? What are they supposed to say to me? 'Happy eating too much, getting drunk and receiving unnecessary junk from relatives' season'?
In addition to your recommendations here, I would add muttering the mantra 'Humbug' sub-vocally when visiting Wal-Mart, during this time of strife. ;)
The CP
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Let me add, that I have no direct evidence of this myself, but have it on the authority of a Wal-Mart 'expert survivor' (and possible addict).
How on earth are the AARP certified hordes (i.e. The greeters) supposed to to detect my atheism? What are they supposed to say to me? 'Happy eating too much, getting drunk and receiving unnecessary junk from relatives' season'?
In addition to your recommendations here, I would add muttering the mantra 'Humbug' sub-vocally when visiting Wal-Mart, during this time of strife. ;)
The CP
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