Toasty's Tips and Tidbits

We all want to be loved by our students. We want them to come to class eager to collect the bounty of wisdom that falls from our lips. We want them to compete with one another for our attention and affection--to live for our praise or even the slightest, plain-faced nod in acknowledgement that they have spoken. We want them to begin dressing like we dress and adopting our charming mannerisms and gestures. Of course we want this, and, undoubtedly the world would be a better place if it were filled with young people who behaved as we do. At the very least, it would be a more stylish place.

The hard truth that we are all forced to contend with eventually, though, is that not all of our students will love us. In fact, some of our students will not even like us. It is even possible that some of our students will hate us and our favorite Strong Bad T-shirt. Our natural impulse when confronted with these tasteless and unpleasant people is to dismiss them, to send them fleeing from the classroom with an onslaught of wholly offensive yet grammatically correct epithets and accusations.

This is perfectly acceptable.

For the rest, we should ask ourselves--as a famous Italian author of self-help manuals for hypersensitive monarchs once asked--whether it is better to be loved than feared or feared than loved. The answer, of course, is that if we cannot have both, it is better to be feared than loved. Why? Because if your students dislike but fear you, they will at least keep their fool mouths shut and do what they are told, whereas even the most puppy-eyed acolyte, yammering on and on about how great you are and what a cool paisley tie you've chosen to wear with your checkered coat, can annoy the crap out of you at times.

In order to help you create a classroom environment whose atmosphere of humiliation and terror commands absolute, unquestioning obedience to your every awful whim, we have assembled a panel of experts to offer some helpful tips and tidbits for generating and maximizing an aura of evil.

Here is what they have to say:

"Tell them that if they do not listen attentively and write their papers in a manner that is acceptable in civilized society, you may have to inform their mothers, who are your friends, of their misconduct. You hate to think how disappointed their mothers will be."
-Nurse Ratchett

"If a student raises her hand, ignore her for several minutes while you flex your massive biceps or crush chalk into dust and blow it in the faces of the puny mortals infesting the front row of desks. Then, acknowledge her impertinence in this way: 'I beg your miniscule pardon?' When she begins to ask her question, bellow 'SIIIIILENCE!'"
-Thor

"Wear black. All black, all the time. Do not underestimate the power of a dark wardrobe. Also, if one of your students argues with you or speaks when you have not given him permission to speak, use the force to strangle that student to death. Then, just for fun, call on another student and ask what she thinks."
-Darth Vader

"You gotta tell them. You gotta look 'em in the eye and say 'Listen you f**ks, you screwheads. Here is a teacher who won't take it anymore. Here is a prof who'll stand up against the scum, the c**ts, the filth, the s**t! Here is a teacher who stood up!' and you wave a gun around in their stupid f**kin' faces. That's what you do."
-Travis Bickle

"Resistance is fruity...no...foot ... Resistance is fooze ball?...no...useless! Resistance is useless! Don't even try it!"
-George (the "W" stands for We are the Borg) Bush